this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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