6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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