I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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