so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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