I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
