Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
