dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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