i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
