a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
