Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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