I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
