Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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