So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
