eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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