I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
