every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
