Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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