I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
