69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
