Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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