just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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