apparently the secret to your success is patron
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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