none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
