I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
