Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
