I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
His hands were made for my vagina.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
