hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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