i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
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