Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
