I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
