meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
