If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So many bounce houses so little time
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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