Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
they need to just BURY HIM!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
