But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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