The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
