I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
