i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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