If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
