I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
