Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
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There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
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I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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