Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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