Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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