Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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