sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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