Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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