I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
