i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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