I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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