if i can run in heels then i can drive
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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