Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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