you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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