Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
i believe in u and ur pee
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
