If that was your dad, he is hot
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
