I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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