The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
