you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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