So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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