onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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