When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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