I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
