I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
