The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
