Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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