I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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