my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
