i already hear my dad disowning me
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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