Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Fuck appropriateness.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize