I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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